Revenge Body

I didn’t really buy into the concept of a “revenge body” until I had one.

Until very recently, I had no real concept of what I looked like. What I saw in the mirror vs what I saw in photos vs what I saw in my mind- they couldn’t have been more different.

My story isn’t unique- my genetics plus a lifetime of poor eating habits led to me struggling with my weight and self-image for as long as I can remember. I was never the “hot” girl, I wasn’t popular. In my rich suburban high school that was filled with the beautiful offspring of their attractive, wealthy parents- I was the quiet, mousy girl that took up just a little too much space to fit in.

Truly, no one paid much attention to me at all, and I liked it that way.

Now I’m going to stop you right there, lest you get the wrong idea: you may think this is the story of some kind of dramatic fitness journey, but it isn’t. I’m still fat.

I’ve just learned that my body doesn’t define my self-worth. I learned to stop giving a fuck.

The birth of my child was the best thing that ever happened to me- and it was also the beginning of some really difficult changes in me. I was different- both emotionally and physically- and at the time it felt like it could only get worse. Not only had my body changed dramatically from pregnancy and an emergency c-section, but my pregnancy triggered new and often unmanageable symptoms of the genetic disorder I didn’t yet know I had.

I was the fattest I had ever been, sick, and getting sicker. By the time I was diagnosed, it was clear my husband no longer wanted me, and I was still processing my diagnosis when it became obvious to me that I needed to get away from him to save myself.

I continued to struggle for years. I felt like I was drowning. In grief, in confusion, in fear. I had multiple toxic relationships. As always, my weight went up and down along with my mental health. I tried hard to start looking on the outside the way I felt on the inside. I got as far away as I could from the ultra-whitewashed religious girl of my youth. I got piercings and tattoos, changed my hair. I modeled lingerie. I even lost a significant amount of weight. I felt better about myself, but still not quite right.

The issue wasn’t my body and how it looked- the issue was me. I had spent a lifetime trying to get validation from others about how I looked. What’s worse- when they told me, I listened. Words from family members, significant others, and even strangers echoed in my head and told me lies about who I was and how I looked.

I was infinitely weighed down with it.

I experienced some personal tragedies during the pandemic, and something broke inside me. With what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders, I finally hit the bottom.

To my surprise, at the bottom, there was a tunnel to crawl through.

What I found was that through therapy, lifestyle changes, and some really supportive people- I could begin to do something I had never done before.

Love me.

As I learned to put myself first, I realized how much the world’s opinion of my body had influence over my entire sense of self. It was only when I let go of the opinions of others- something I used to care so fucking much about- that I began to lighten.

I began to feel confidence I never possessed before. I felt like the hot girl, and then I realized: that’s all it took to BE the hot girl.

Maybe I’m not using the term “revenge body” as it was originally intended, but the thing is, that’s exactly what I have now. I feel like I’m in the skin I was meant to be in, and when I look in the mirror or photos, I love what I see.

I can’t imagine better revenge.